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One of the things you do with people who are struggling is you make the simple even simpler. The definition of humility in some ways is that you start progressing where you can start.

The impediments to people who've really taken a blow in their life is that things have fallen apart around them so badly that where they have to start is humiliating even to consider. It's a pretty straightforward rule when you want to get back on your feet and the rule is you have to make the task small enough so that you'll do it.

If you take that first step forward, you're actually advancing in the face of all that opposition. The disadvantage is that the first task seems so small that you literally have to be on your knees to be humble enough to lower yourself to take that first step.

How do you tolerate listening to people's problems? Well, first of all, they're not your problems. You have to understand that because if they're your problems you're stealing that person's problems from them.

This is a problem that men often have when they're dealing with women – they leap to the problem solution phase.

If you jump right to help, the reason you can't do that is because you probably have the problem wrong.

If I'm listening to you there'll be times when what you're saying doesn't make sense and so then I'll just say well you're saying this now but you said this five minutes ago and if you listen a lot you can learn to track conversations across a very long span of time and that's quite fun you said this but then you said this and they seem contradictory to me you're not accusing the person you're saying I see an inconsistency in the way you're formulating the problem and they'll sort of startle a little bit and then try to rectify that.

Shut up, ask stupid questions until the person that you're listening to has specified the problem. Now if you're very fortunate, both of you will convert on that and it'll just become clear, this is what that's really all about.

They're going to throw out a bunch of screen concerns just to see if you can be trusted with something that will reveal their vulnerability and they're even doing that to themselves it's like dare I tell the truth about this situation.

If I'm face to face with you and I'm laying out the problem, just what you're signaling to me by your face might stop me from fully revealing the truth.

A trauma is a problem you encounter in your life that's quite deep so that it unsettles you that you do not resolve so it's like it imagine that in your bedroom there were holes that you could fall through.

Trauma is a hole that hasn't been filled in and so if you had a trauma when you were four you hit a wall and you couldn't resolve the trauma that's no different than not maturing in relationship to that problem

You want to find out what the problem is because then you can solve it and one of the things you have to consider is that you're the problem.

You are going to have to listen to your wife 90 minutes a week and you might as well just get that through your thick skull. Now if you listen to her enough, you can make peace, and you can play, so there's a huge benefit. If you don't listen to her that will accumulate.

Why don't men like to listen? Well… often because the insufficiencies are pointed at them.

Part of the reason that people can't listen is because they also don't know how to defend themselves.

If I could give you what you wanted what would it be?

Your home is also a small business, and it has to be run like that, and you have to spend at least 90 minutes a week with your wife just running the damn business.

Have you ever encountered those holes in the bedroom, those childhood traumas that you realized at some point when you stared into the patient's eyes that they could never solved? Yes, yeah, a bottomless abyss.

How could you be an Auschwitz prison guard who enjoyed his work?

Your brain brings up the past because you have not specified the proper road forward.

There's no difference between thinking about yourself and what you want and being miserable. Self-consciousness and negative emotion are so tightly tied together that they're statistically indistinguishable.

I had one client, he had a hard life, he was like 85, he'd fallen off a ladder and broken his neck and they had permanently fussed it so he could hardly move. He was so depressed he literally couldn't get out of bed. He was in chronic pain because of his broken neck and the first thing I did with him was get him to sit up for like 30 seconds, that was it, that's where he had to start. And I worked with him when he was in the hospital, after two weeks he was walking down the hall and was able to sit up and read for five or six minutes and he got out of the hospital, he went home but he had to start with the simplest possible steps and this is the definition of humility in some ways that you start progressing where you can start.

The small commitments we keep to ourselves are often really undervalued because they seem so trivial.

People need to decide that something is the problem, you can't enforce that on them, they have to discover it for themselves, and the same with the solution, and the same with the strategies.

The bigger the “dragon” the more we're likely to look away.

That's a primary source of gratification for human beings is putting someone on the edge and encouraging them.

Don't assume that either you or the person who's talking knows what the problem is. Once you have the problem specified, you've solved like 95% of the problem.

The importance of listening can't possibly be overstated, listen, ask questions until you understand, and by doing that you also help the other person clarify the situation.

One of the things kids are doing all the time is testing you to see if you're paying attention and they will modify their behavior in any way imaginable to get attention, because there's no difference between attention and love.

If you let people free associate, the topics that they picked would be linked to one another.

What tears do is dissolve you to the state of neurological plasticity that characterizes early childhood so that you can learn. Crying is an indication that the current conceptual structure is insufficient, it has to die. Then the tears come and then you're prepared neurologically to learn something new and that'll be whatever comes out of the discussion and that'll replace that old conceptual structure that's outdated and immature with a new somewhat fragile concept.

For Dante the worst problem was betrayal, and the reason betrayal is the worst problem is that if you and I want to have a relationship we have trust each other and betrayal is the violation of the trust upon which relationships are predicated so it blows apart everything.

What seems to happen when you expose people to small but challenging tasks, it does two things: it makes them more skilled because now they're actually dealing with the problem so they're acquiring the new perceptions and the new behaviors, but at the same time they're seeing themselves as the actors that can change the direction of their life.

Don't talk to your partner about something complicated when they're hungry.

Conflict delayed is conflict multiplied so if I do have a problem with someone, I want to note it, get it on the table, fight it through to the bloody bottom, fix it, and move on.

The reason you should listen to your wife is because if you listen to her enough, she'll tell you what's wrong, and what she wants, and then you can fix what's wrong, and you can give her what she wants.

I'll tell you the truth, but you also have to tell me the truth. I don't care what the truth is. Without that you get nowhere, and you can't trust your partner either. No matter what you tell me I won't run away. Because when someone unveils their whole heart, they unveil themselves all the way down to hell. It's not pleasant, it's awful, and they need to know that you will not run away.

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